Saturday, February 14, 2015

Are You There For Me?

There is a growing body of data on the science of committed love. The technical term is Attachment. Attachment is the heart of love relationships. It is what people are fundamentally looking for when they are courting and trying to determine if they should marry. Attachment is at the center of every “Define the Relationship” conversation.

Dr. Sue Johnson identifies three components of Attachment under the acrostic ARE: As my loved one, can I reach you? (Accessibility); Can I rely on you to respond to me emotionally? (Responsiveness); and, Do I know you will value me and stay close? (Engagement). In a courting relationship, if the answer to any of the Accessibility, Responsiveness, and Engagement questions above is “No”, the relationship will probably not go forward.

Attachment is the root (usually unidentified) of every major marital argument. We may begin by arguing about the dishes, but inevitably, and within minutes or seconds, the unspoken meaning of the argument becomes “What does this mean for our relationship if you can treat me like that? Do you even value me?” The fear of loss of the Attachment relationship is what gives arguments about trivialities their “life or death” intensity. If we do not know what we are truly arguing about we will have the same intense argument about the same silly things over and over. The cause of every divorce is the rupture of the marital Attachment bond, whether by neglect, conflict, or adultery.

To be successful, a marriage counseling approach has to address the rupture and repair of this fundamental Attachment connection. Some approaches focus on communication and conflict resolution, some on “love and respect”, some on mutual need meeting, but each one, whether directly or indirectly, will get at Attachment.  Attachment asks, “Are you there for me? Can I count on you? Do I matter to you? Is what is important to me important to you? When I am in need, will you come for me when I call?”

You may have noticed that the term Attachment does not appear in the Bible; however the Bible is bursting with examples of God reassuring his people of his attentiveness, his faithfulness, his accessibility, his compassion, his care, and his love. The Bible’s term is “covenant”, which encompasses everything essential in the psychological term Attachment and then expands it. Attachment is what finally draws us to God: He makes a covenant with us; he unites us to himself and to his covenant community. 

Valentine’s Day is a good time to take inventory of our relationships. Self-absorption, the busyness of life, hurt, resentment, fear, and confusion all eat away at the Attachment bond of even the most solid relationships. This Saturday I challenge you to talk to each of your loved ones, romantic and otherwise. Ask them if they experience you as Accessible, Responsive, and Engaged.  Then ask them for two specific ways you can improve (and listen carefully to their answers).  It may be the most loving (and romantic) gift you give this Valentine’s Day. 

May you sense God’s attentive, responsive, loving presence with you, empowering you, and flowing through you this Valentine’s Day.

Gene

No comments:

Post a Comment