Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Closing the Gap

As you enter the “underground” train in London a disembodied voice says distinctly, almost sternly, “Mind the gap!” reminding you to adjust your step for the space between the platform and the train.

The subject of gaps comes up a lot in counseling. These are not subway gaps, of course, but they are gaps nonetheless. A writer recently introduced me to a quote by Ira Glass about the need to tolerate “the gap” while continuing to work to try to close it.

“What nobody tells people who are beginners — and I really wish someone had told this to me . . . is that all of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, and it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not.”

Ah yes, “the gap”…so many “gaps”. The gap between my taste and my creative product, between my dream and my reality, between what I know and what I do, between what I believe and how I act, between “the desire to do what is right…[and] the ability to carry it out.” (Romans 7:18)

Ira Glass’s answer to gaps in the creative realm is perseverance:

“It is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You’ve just gotta fight your way through.” (Ira Glass Video)

Glass talks of gaps between vision and reality in our work. But how do we close the gap in the areas that are arguably more vital to our lives: our relationships? How do we close the gap between wanting to be patient and being patient when the beloved is doing that annoying thing again? How do we close the gap between wanting to enjoy the “peace that passes understanding” and resisting the temptation to worry about all of the threats out there? How do we stay engaged with our loved ones when everything in our being wants to leave, explode, escape?

In the creative process Ira Glass speaks of “going through a volume of work,” persisting despite the failures and discouragement. In our relationships, because they are so important to us, it is perhaps easier to get discouraged and be tempted to give up. Here are some of my thoughts about producing a large body of relational work, in order to close the gap between how we want to love and how we actually love. For people of faith, the apostle Paul reminds us that this is a process that God’s Spirit does inside us and in which we fully and willingly engage (Philippians 2:12-13).
  • Build New Response Patterns Using “Mental Practice” and “Real Life Practice.” “Mental Practice” (also called cognitive rehearsal) is imagining yourself acting the way you want to act in the difficult situation. Run the movie in your head, pray the movie in your imagination with specific details. The value of detailed and specific mental practice is well-documented among professional athletes (“imagine yourself doing the perfect layup”) and professional musicians (“play the piece in your head”). Brain researchers tell us that mental practice uses the same parts of the brain as real-life practice, without the mistakes, and strengthens the associated neural networks. Every new experience, mental or behavioral, changes your brain architecture—this may explain neurologically what happens when, as the apostle Paul describes it theologically, we are to, “Be transformed by the renewal of your mind…” (Romans 12:2). Prayerfully run the movie many times in your head then begin practicing the new response pattern in real life—often and a lot.
  • Keep Short Accounts. When you blow it—and you will blow it frequently—do not quit and do not ignore it. Instead lean into your failure, confess the wrong, take full responsibility for your choices, talk about the hurt you caused, and ask for forgiveness. Even if the other person is mostly at fault, it will change the dynamic if you confess your “five percent.” (See Matthew 5:21-26). Again, prayerfully, often, and a lot.
  • Keep Your “Love Maps” Updated. A “Love Map” (a term coined by Dr. John Gottman) is a working model in your mind of your loved one’s internal and relational world—their relationships, friends, stresses, dreams, concerns, etc. Some people compare the “Love Map” to a war general’s “Battle Map” detailing everything the general needs to know in order to make good decisions. Life changes fast, and it is vital that we keep up-to-date Love Maps on the ones we love. Make time daily or weekly to ask, “What is coming up that you are excited/worried/angry/pleased about?”
  • Deal With “Implicit Memories”. “Implicit memories” are what the brain scientists call those consciously and unconsciously triggered memories from the past that seem to have an inordinate effect on our present reactions. There is much debate about how much the past and the unconscious affect our present choices. It is undeniable, however, that sometimes your (or your loved one’s) reaction is out of proportion to the current situation, as if you/he/she is reacting to someone or something other than current external reality. If you have doubts that you do this, ask your significant others; I am sure they will be glad to correct your faulty perspective. The problem with unconscious (or as one writer terms them “quasi-automatic”) reactions is that they must be addressed indirectly, looking for the shadows that hint at their existence. Techniques to help get at these memories are journaling, talk therapy, mentor relationships, certain kinds of reprocessing psychotherapies (such as EMDR), and even activities such as improvisational theatre. A little investment in this area can pay large dividends in relationships especially with the aid of a wise guide.

Gene
“Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.” I Peter 4:8